Being a Step-Parent

Okay, so I already know this is going to be a hard post to write. Not because it's hard being a step-parent - I'll get to that in a bit - but because unfortunately so many people take things the wrong way or words gets twisted. I hope that doesn't happen with this post, but I'm going to try my absolute best to explain myself as clearly as possible. Just in case I don't manage to, or it sounds like I'm being horrible in some way, I apologize. 

Some who read this might be biological parents, step-parents, or have nothing to do with children at all other than at family gatherings. Believe me, meeting your partner's children is absolutely terrifying and the most wonderful thing at the same time it's like your heart is going to burst. Or at least that's how I felt. It's nothing compared to babysitting or anything like that, but obviously it does help if you've had at least some experience with kids before.

My parents split when I was 8, and I've had at least one step-parent since I was 9 or 10. I know how it all works, I've been the kid in the situation and I know it's not easy to accept sometimes. This made me weary of meeting B's two children, I didn't want it to be too early for them, I didn't want them to see me as the reason their parents weren't together anymore. I had all these ideas in my head, both from the typical view of step-parents - especially step-mums -  being evil and from my own experiences growing up.

Talk it out

I spoke with B about how I felt before I met the children. This is something that you really must do if you are with someone who has children: talk to them. To them, seeing and being with their kids is the best thing in the world! They won't stop to think how you feel about it, because they just expect you to feel the same, especially if you have kids of your own. It's not them being ignorant, or mean, or keeping you out of the loop. They just don't know what it's like to be in your position when seeing their own children.

We decided that when I did meet the children, I would be introduced as a friend or not as anything. The whole "Daddy's New Girlfriend" thing isn't the way I wanted to be seen by the children, no matter how young they are. To me, it makes it sound like in 6 months time there will be a new woman on the scene instead. That it's just a cycle: Daddy gets a girlfriend, introduces them to his kids after the first date, then decides he doesn't like her, get's a new girlfriend, and so on. 

By the way, that's probably one of the most mentally and emotionally damaging things you could do to your kids - that goes for both women and men. I only use the Daddy's New Girlfriend example instead of Mummy's New Boyfriend, because that's the situation I am in. Last time I checked, I'm a woman and B's a man.

So, feeling like a nervous wreck but also like I was on cloud 9, I met B's children. They're the best kids I know, and SO much like their dad! They're like little copies of B, both of them. 

What did I do?

I feel sometimes people can come on too strong. Like the really awful movie scene where the new boyfriend or girlfriend goes straight up to the kid and proudly pronounces "I''m you new daddy/mummy!". Please, no. Never in a million years will a step-parent become their "new daddy / mummy" if that parent is still in their lives. It doesn't work that way. It's more like the line an evil step-parent would come up with. Even if you did become their new mummy or daddy, it won't be because you made it that way, it's the child's decision to accept you and see you that way or not.

So, what did I do? Honestly, I did nothing. I went into the room where they were playing - after having given them half an hour or so with B - and sat on the sofa. B introduced me -he only told them my name and we all said hello- and they promptly wanted me to play and join in with them. 

I realize I could just have had the easiest step-parent / children introduction ever, but as I've never done it as the parent side of things before, I'm betting on it not being that hard if you allow the children to take control of the situation.

Any down-sides?

As regards to the children part of being a step-parent, no. Absolutely none at all. There's nothing "bad" about being a step-parent. I'm hoping that by the time my step-children become teens, they're happy and comfortable with me and the idea that I too am a parent and am part of their family. I think too many step-parents are very hands-off-ish when the children are younger, and when they start to miss-behave as teens or young adults, that's when they decide to start being a part of telling them off or being disciplinary. BIG NO. Start as you want to continue, otherwise that's when the "You're not my dad/mum" attitude comes in. 

The only "down side" to it, in my personal experience, is having to deal with the children's family members. Whether that be maternal or paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. Even their mother. They all seem to believe that it means nothing that you are a step-parent. That you have no authority or opinion over things. To be honest, B's ex's family as well as B's family have made me feel quite small and unimportant. They seem to think that it was better for the children to be in an unhappy home around things I'd rather not say, than to have a separated, but happy, family. 

What did I do? I talked it out with B. I got his opinion on things. After all, I'm with him, not his ex and not his or her family. 

I understand. People can be hurt that there's someone else in their child's lives that they'll see as a parental figure. They can be hurt that all of a sudden there is no chance of being one family unit again. I would be hurt too in that position, especially if I had been holding on to the slightest chance.

A Step-PARENT

What people have to understand, is that the important word here is parent. Not step, not biological. Parent. That means that you have to step up and be there for the children just as much as their biological parents, maybe even more. You can't hug them when they are happy, but as soon as they hurt themselves just pass them over. It's not how it works.

As a step-parent, sure, you may not have LEGAL say over what school that child goes to, or be able to take her/him to the doctors without the biological parent's written permission. That's fine. 

But also as a step-parent, you need to make sure they are happy. Never go hungry. Always get enough sleep for the adventures of tomorrow. Make sure they are clean and healthy. Can't take them to the doctors? Make the appointment, and their dad or mum will take them or go with you. Make sure their clothes fit, that their clothes are clean, that they like to wear them. 

Give them advice when they ask for it. Help them with their home work. Be informed on how their school works. Know who their friends are. Know their favorite foods and places and animals. 

As they get older, they may even ask you for a favor. One they are too embarrassed to ask their biological parents. Help them. Don't rat them out when there is no risk to their health or safety or not a need to mention it. If they tell you they've got a boyfriend or girlfriend, but they are not ready to tell their mum or dad, don't do it for them. They'll appreciate having someone they can go to for the parental advise they need, but without the embarrassment and the "don't do this, don't do that" talk we have ALL had from our parents. 

Advice

The best advise I could give you is stay strong. At first you might not be accepted - by the children, by the other parent, by either family - but the person who does accept you is the reason you are there. The reason you have decided to take on the HUGE responsibility of being a parent without reaping even half of the rewards. That might make it sound scary - and to be completely honest, it is -  but I'm doing it because I love B, I love the children, I love our little blended family.

The children might not accept you now, but they will do. And to be honest, is it really that important for your husband's/ wife's ex and their family to like you and want you to be part of the family? They are EX for a reason. It'd be weird if they did like you in my opinion. And you know what in-laws can be like.

Thank you so much for reading,
Bella xx